27

Hello there, 27.

I don't like odd numbers.  Even worse when it's an odd-numbered birthday.  Odd numbers are just bad luck for me.  But I'm anxious to see what 27 has in store for me.  26 was a pretty good year of reflection, self-loving, and learning. 

This year, I've learned...

...Canadians aren't afraid to reveal it all in front of everyone.

...to embrace my fears. 

...that I'm fiercely independent, which is a really good thing or a really bad thing.

...people don't change. 

...that bad sex is definitely a deal breaker in a relationship. 

...second chances shouldn't be taken for granted.  They don't call it a second chance for nothing. 

...that sometimes people fall harder for you, than you do for them.  

...a dog really is your best friend.  And losing your best friend is always painful. 

...every once in a while, you need to do some soul searching.  Find out what truly matters, what you're really passionate about, and do whatever it takes to get there.

...that I may never discover the true meaning of friendship, but I'm learning what it means to be a good friend and keep those who matter to me a big part of my life.

...that hiding your depression and loneliness will catch up to you.

...to fix what's broken.  Even the strongest of people feel weak and vulnerable.  

...to take responsibility for your actions and the true evil of credit cards.

...it's about building trust with someone and find hope in something. 

...that one day [soon] I will get my memoir finished and PUBLISHED.  Hopefully before I hit 30.

...not everyone will meet your expectations, even those you have known for years.

...it's okay to miss your loved ones even after they've gone for many years. 

...to keep an open heart. 

...I will never ever understand things like suicide or racism. 

...I don't like the term "best friend."  It's a title someone has to earn.  And even when you earn it, it can quickly be taken away from you.

...first dates are everything.  


I'm determined to make 27 my best year yet.  Here's to even more soul searching, loving, and learning.  

Another year older, another year wiser...

What have YOU learned lately? 

Back to reality

Remember this episode of The Office?

Yeah, that was my weekend.  My friends and I attempting to act appropriately around my 61-year old [awesome] cousin, constantly hearing things like:

"it's so hard..."
"you can get in it from both sides."

It's amazing I'm still allowed out in public with this girl.  

But the weekend was amazing.

Laughter. Smiling. Pictures. Board games. Card games. Puzzles. Wine tasting. Sunsets. 

I'll be taking a brief respite (well, maybe) to catch up on work, gear up for my nonprofit's big charity event, and soaking in the last few days of my 26-year-old-ness (cue anxiety attack!).  But you can read more about my fabulous weekend here.

unplugged

view of Honeoye Lake in upstate NY at sunset

 

Sometimes you just need to unwind, unplug and relax.  Living in a big city can become overwhelming.  People rushing to catch a bus or cross the street, taxi cabs zipping by, and fire sirens blaring outside your window at all hours of the night.  Finding a moment of solitude is very far and few between. 

When you get the chance, take it...

I can't remember the last time I had a relaxing vacation.  Most of my vacations recently have consisted of hockey tournaments, binge drinking, or playing tourist.  I'm craving solitude, sunsets and laughter.  I jumped at the chance of spending a long weekend at my cousin's cottage at the Finger Lakes in upstate New York, and insisted that my two favorite girl friends join me.  It's away from the big city where the solitude and the sunsets take your breath away. 

 ...if it changes your life, let it.

My family took summer vacations to South Carolina or the Finger Lakes.  Forget the Jersey Shore.  There's just something about it... it changes your life and makes you appreciate things like sunsets, boat rides, bon fires, and solitude so much more.  Trade in binge drinking at a bar for savoring glasses of wine on the deck.

Goodbye, city life; hello, Finger Lakes!

Well, at least for the next four days...

can you really have it all?

(via)

In a time where more and more women are climbing the Corporate Ladder, earning higher salaries, and building their own businesses, it's amazing how women are able to juggle it all.  I used to think it was either one or the other - a successful career or a loving relationship - but as I look around, I'm starting to wonder:

Can young women really have it all - a successful career, a happy and loving relationship and meaningful friendships?

I've never been able to juggle it all.  Lately I've been so career-driven and focused that I've pushed relationships and dating to the side.  Am I being selfish?  Maybe.  But I think I need to be - at least for the moment - in order for me to continue to work toward a successful career.  However, while it's nice to be so focused on my career, I definitely don't want to be one of those women who don't know how to juggle anything else in her life.  I want to be able to keep myself focused on my career path and have a relationship and maintain my meaningful friendships and play sports a few nights a week and... and... and...

I've never been on a first date.  I've always rushed into every single one of my relationships to the point where our "first date" ends up being meeting at a noisy, crowded bar with a group of friends.  And then those "first dates" may or may not have led to the walk-of-shame/kicking-the-guy-out-of-my-house-at-8AM.

So, maybe that's my problem? Maybe it's also why I'm in therapy.

Is it just me or is the first date no longer sacred?  Or am I just choosing the wrong men?  Or is the new thing now sleeping on the first date?!   

I know I've kind of been out of the dating world lately.  Not because I want to be, but moreso because I can't find anyone worth dating.  My last fling didn't work out so well (note to all you men out there:  hairy backs are not attractive), and I decided to take a respite from dating after that.  You would too if you had seen his hairy back!

I suppose over the years I've raised my standards of dating.  I've already done the hook-ups, one-night stands, and friends-with-benefits thing.  I've dated men with less than average packages who didn't know how to use them, and men who have over-sized packages, know how to use them, but fall short in creating any kind of emotional spark.  At the same time though, I also found a man who I thought was my soulmate, who satisfied me in every intellectual and physical way possible (you're welcome for the visual there), yet he still fell short.  Is it really that tough to find someone to connect with on every emotional and physical level? I know it's not about finding the perfect person, and I know the reality is that not every will satisfy you.  So when you find someone worth dating, and they don't satisfy every single one of your relationships needs, are you settling? 

Maybe, because I've been out of the dating world for a while, I don't know what I want.  Maybe everything has changed - first dates, first kisses, first intimate encounters.  Do we rush into relationships and engagements and marriage because we're infatuated with the idea of always having someone, of the convenience, of the intimate connection ... instead of searching for that one person who give you butterflies, challenges you in ways you never thought and makes you believe in that thing called true love?

Can you really have it all?

a broken heart never completely heals

(via)

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts" 

It feels like a thousand sharp knives stabbing every inch of your body.  It hurts to breathe, to speak, to blink.  It hurts to think about it, but it's all you can think about.  You wonder how someone you loved so much could ever have the ability to hurt you so badly.  You close your eyes and you see your future - with that person - shattered to pieces.  Everything you once believed in now makes no sense.  You wonder what's worth living for any more. 

As the weeks pass by, the pain slowly subsides.  Tears stop streaming down your face.  You begin to feel things other than heartache.  You begin to realize that you do have a future beyond that person.  You realize that your life was good before them, and it will be good again now that they're gone.  So you peel yourself off your couch and you cleanse yourself of any memories of that person.  It's all too painful, you think to yourself.

"You ever love somebody so much, you could barely breathe when you with 'em?"

  

The first year is always the hardest.  The loneliness becomes palpable.  You wonder if you'll ever find happiness.  You wonder if you'll ever fall in love again.  You wonder if you'll ever know what it's like to feel something for someone again.  

As time goes by, the wounds begin to heal.  You cover up the loneliness and the unhappiness with something else, just as you would cover up a blemish.  But just because you cover it up, doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt.  And like an open wound, when it heals it leaves a scar.  A broken heart never completely heals;  Something is always left behind - memories, pictures, gifts - that becomes the scar.

Eventually, you get your life back together.  This time, it's all about me! you say to yourself.  You pick up the broken pieces and figure out how to put it all back together.  Because this time it's about new beginnings, feeling happy, and finding someone to fall in love with... again.

You force yourself to cope with the break up and get yourself back out there.  You date a few people, but in the back of your head, you know they don't stack up.  That spark just isn't there.  You start to wonder if you'll ever feel that passion you once felt.  

And as the years pass by, when you finally get your life together and begin to feel happy and feel like you can finally believe in something, it all comes crashing down on you.  That wall you built up so strong, crumbles instantly.  Those feelings you locked up, break out.  Someone who was once your best friend and lover, forces their way back into your life and all you can say is, why now?  

"Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie"