on getting back in shape, hairy backs, weddings and my Canadian Crush.

Now that the snow is gone for good (hopefully), I need to start taking advantage of my $60 gym membership.  I also need to get myself back in shape since summer is right around the corner and I am not ready for summertime.  I also need to start getting back in shape because I have a wedding to attend in June and I need to look super smokin' hot.

So, my friend e-mailed me to invite me to her wedding and bridal shower (classy, I know - but the real invitations are in the mail.  Allegedly.), and apparently both events are in Detroit.  Now, I knew the wedding was going to be in D-town, but I guess I didn't really think about her bridal shower.  But she's also having her bachelorette party that same weekend, so now I feel like I need to be there for it.  Because you know she's going to be talking about it non-stop after she gets back and if I'm not there she'll be all, "and then she..." or "and then I..." and I'll be all dazed and confused because I was the broke girl who couldn't fly out to Detroit for her party.

Yesterday, I realized that attending this wedding is going to break my bank because I have to buy a plane ticket to Detroit, reserve a hotel room for that weekend and buy her a wedding gift and buy her a bridal gift and buy myself a smokin' hot dress.  And then stab myself during the two-hour Catholic wedding ceremony.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

But at least it's an open bar at the reception, which is the real reason why I'm going.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

So of course my first priority was to find a smokin' hot date for the wedding because no one likes to be that girl who went stag to her friend's wedding and knew no one and didn't dance.  And because I need some good eye candy on my arm.  So I had to think about all the guys I'd ask and I narrowed it down to two people.  Well actually, I narrowed it down to one, but the other guy (Mr. Wolf-man) crossed my mind briefly and then I wanted to stab my eye out because the thought of his hairy back dancing at a wedding totally grossed me out and almost made me want to vomit. 

Wouldn't YOU throw up if you had to look at this?

The other guy is actually my Canadian crush that I met in October at my hockey tournament in Tampa.  And of course to make things a little more complicated, he is also friends with Wolf-man.  Yeah, if that isn't awkward, then I don't know what is.  But I've had this small school-girl crush on him since I met him a few months back but I never really tried to pursue anything because he [at the time] lived in Seattle, but now he moved to D.C. and my crush just got bigger (TWSS).  And it was weird because he texted me over the weekend [totally out of the blue] when I was in Seattle and he kept asking me when I was coming down to D.C. to visit. 

Anyway, so I spent all day yesterday trying to figure out how I would ask my Canadian crush to be my date at the wedding without making it awkward (because we've only hung out once and I don't really know him) but also without making it seem like I'm desperate for a date (which I'm not.  Fine, maybe I am.  Don't judge me).  So after work I sent him a text saying:

"Wanna go to a wedding with me in June?  It's in a city that is almost as awesome as Seattle."

Which, as we all know, is a lie because Detroit is the exact opposite of awesome.


And then I started freaking out (kind of) because I was all, what if he has a girlfriend? or what if he really doesn't want to go? and then I freaked out more because if he didn't want to go then I'd have to ask Mr. Wolf-man to go and the thought of that nearly made me puke all over myself in Rittenhouse Park.

Thankfully, thankfully my Canadian crush said he would go, even after I confessed that the wedding is in Detroit.  So now I need to get myself to the gym every day from now until June 19th so that I can fit myself into a dress and look smokin' hot.  And I need to figure out how to break it to Mr. Wolf-man, who is literally falling in love with me (even though we've never hooked up or anything) that I'm just not into him and I'm taking my Canadian crush (and his friend) to the wedding.

Maybe I can send him a *post-it-note with: "I'm sorry.  I can't.  Don't hate me." on it.  Or maybe he won't ever know about this because he's moving to Flo-rida in a couple weeks.  Or maybe he will find out and this will all explode on my face (TWSS) which would be totally awesome awkward.



* did you catch that Sex and the City reference?

wise words:

 

"This is an important lesson to remember when you’re having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won’t feel this way forever.  And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most.  I believe you can’t feel real joy unless you know what it means to fail. You can’t know what it’s like to feel holy until you know what it’s like to feel really fucking evil. And you can’t be birthed again until you’ve died."

 - Kelly Cutrone, If You Have To Cry, Go Outside -

A Guest Post Poem

POP.

Did you hear that?  Do you know what it was? That was the sound of me popping the proverbial cherry of KT’s Guest Blog practices. I don’t know why she’s never had a guest poster. It could only get her more readers. I’m not even so sure why this bish doesn’t have more readers. She’s pretty awesome. Then again, she does have some of the most awesome friends in the world.

Ahem.ME.Ahem.

But in her own respect, she’s pretty cool. Even though that doesn’t sound too meaningful, it is. I hate emotions. They make me want to vomit. That being said, I think its important to tell friends how much you….love them. I tried not to choke on that, but I did. (TWSS.)

So, in honor of emotions and doing things differently in 2010 (That’s the excuse I use for everything these days, like eating more steak,  moving, and not taking a shower.), I present a poem. Dedicated to KT .

Note: I combined lots of Poetry Styles here. Don’t attack my Iambic Pentameter, because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t appear in here.

My Sweet Infected Bladder

By: Katie [Blogs]

We met one day via a Gmail E-mail Chain
We were planning to attend a meetup, right?
Our method of travel was going to be the train,
I must admit it was love at first type.

You told me I was your girlfriend,
I thought this was mega swell,
But then you told me to text you dirty,
And wanted me to have a sex change and become “Mel”.

Though I could not provide you what you needed,
Because I’m severely afraid of erectile penises. Weird.
You explained to me so kindly that I wasn’t a freak and said:
“You just have  Ithyphallophobia, my sexy little reindeer”

We are nearing our 8 month celebration,
Of our initial meeting online,
I demand that we celebrate
Over our favorite Riesling wine.

 Despite our strong bond,
We have had our ups and down,
See-Saw, See-Saw, See-Saw
You’re still my favorite girl in the Bro-town.

If  you were ever in trouble, I hope you’d reach out,
And call on a favor from me.
Like if you were being attacked by a trout,
Or raped by a manatee.(Seriously, they're vicious. I saw one on 20/20 last week.)

Even though my feelings often go unsaid
I need you to know the truth of the matter
If I could name a Crayola after you,
I’d name it something cute that reminded me of you like “Infected Bladder”. 

If we were walking down the street,  And some hoodlum called your name out
Id kick him in the kidney, and whip out my weapon, that I always have with me,
That good old trusty, rusty,
12 inch Machete

When the days are long, and the lights are dim,
And life isn’t going just right,
Always remember I’m a phone call away
Morning, Afternoon, or Late at Night.

Despite all of the crap we've been through (which really isn't a lot, just a little hiccup), you're one of my favorite people, and one of the only one's who can make me laugh. I believe in you, your abilities, and that someday you're going to rock this world., You already rock mine.

Oh, and I'll write YOU a poem, dear readers, for the small fee of $5.  Or, if you ask nicely while licking your lips and blowing kisses my way. (via)

wise words:

"I'm not here to tell you how to get the perfect Margiela wardrobe or the perfect man or the perfect job in fashion.  I've had all these things, and trust me, there's a bigger prize to be had.  I believe the world will change only when we change ourselves.  And that starts with finding ourselves.  And that starts with listening to ourselves, learning to quiet the clamor in our minds and the voices of everyone around us and moving toward what feels right.  It means taking a journey like the spectacular and terrifying and ultimately mind-blowing adventure I've been on.  I hope that you, too, will choose to have a journey instead of just a life.  Actually, I hope it's a full-on expedition."

- Kelly Cutrone, If You Have To Cry, Go Outside -

stay tuned

I have a special surprise for my readers (all three of you) on Friday.  You don't want to miss this.  It's insanely epic and mouth-watering.

TWSS

And all I can tell you is that it involves a sea-saw and a manatee. 


Stay tuned.