How'd I get here?
31 years old, 2 kids, SEPARATED! Everyone has a dream, from early on mine was to have a family. I fell in love in high school. There was something about that blue eyed boy with those gorgeous lashes that stopped my heart and caused butterflies that could make you dizzy. I never even seen it coming how fast I fell for him. This reckless redneck was the smoothest talker and knew exactly what I needed to hear most days. As any high school relationship goes there were arguments and jealousy (more so on my part), but we survived. A couple of weeks before his 20th Birthday we found out that I was pregnant. Not planned at all and after a few days of shock we decided it was time to tell our parents. We both had jobs and knew that we could provide for our family. We started to get excited. The pregnancy was rough but he was always there to hold my hair when I was getting sick. In no time we had our first baby boy. He had never been around babies and I will say I was a little worried about how he would do, but he was a natural. We got engaged on Valentine's Day the next year. I woke up to the baby in a onesie that said, "Will you marry my Daddy?" We spent a year engaged and got married the next year. We took no time expanding our family and found out about 2 months later that we were expecting again. I knew before the test since I was so nauseous. After a second rough pregnancy we had our second baby boy. Again he showed exactly what an amazing Dad he was. I loved being a boymom and we decided that 2 was enough. I felt like I was complete. My heart was so full of love for these 3 guys! As the kids grew our lives changed and revolved around them more and more. I started to lose myself within the role of being a mom and wife. I worked a fulltime job and didn't feel like I had the desire to develop a hobby. I felt content. He started to excel in his career choice. I can't put into words the amount of pride that I had for his work, but at the same time I felt left behind. I felt that I wasn't enough, I should be excelling too. I had gotten plenty of promotions at work but it didn't feel like enough. I didn't feel the sense of pride from him that I felt towards him. I wish that I could've said something right away. I craved that more than anything. I wanted to make him proud. Our communication was always our downfall. I am such an emotional person while he hates showing or seeing emotion. So we swept little things under the rug until it was big enough to trip over. I made financial mistakes and hid them, I tried to fix them myself and just dug a deeper whole. Still I couldn't admit to him that I had failed. Looking back I wish I would've admitted everything. He found out little by little what had happened. But still I couldn't tell him how bad it was. I wish there was a logical reason like drugs or gambling but it was just my emotions. I am sure there is a medical term for it but I just couldn't handle disappointing him. It eventually led to where we are now. We separated 6 weeks ago. As any parent will tell you the thought of not being able to tuck your kids into bed everynight was heartbreaking. Hurting my bestfriend felt like 1,000 knives in my chest. I spent a good 2 weeks crying pretty much constantly. I knew that not only was I going to have ruined my marriage but I was going to be losing some friends too. I spent the last 15 years having dinner at least once a week with a group of people that I loved unconditionally. I was always there with a listening ear and constantly checked up on them when they had any personal issues. Now when I needed it in return there was radio silence from the majority of them. I have a few close friends that really have been there for me and I have an amazing family that sticks together no mattter what. I have been doing counseling and have started to actually respect myself again. I have started to set goals and as I reach them I either adapt them to something bigger or set a new one. Over the past 4 weeks I have began to rebuild my self esteem. I know that the most important thing over the next few weeks is to continue to push forward for myself and the boys. My purpose of this blog is to be able to get my feelings out because as I have learned, keeping them to myself does nothing to fix the situation. I will be going back and talking about times in the past and also write about what I am doing in present time to better my situation. If any of my words can help someone either not make the same mistakes that I have or be able to recover than maybe the mess I have created will have some meaning.